No two words can transform pain, misunderstanding, or perceived offense like these soft and easy words: “I’m sorry.”
Whether the infraction causes confusion, emotional distress, or physical injury, following up sincerely can wipe the slate clean.
For example, we’ve all had moments driving when we either weren’t let in an adjacent lane or were abruptly cut off. In anger, we make a point to come face-to-face with the offending driver, fully prepared to issue the appropriate finger. Yet when our car arrives next to theirs, we make eye contact with the driver, and they mouth the words, “I’m sorry.”
It’s like the urge to condemn vanishes. The other four fingers rise to surround the middle one and form a gentle wave, suggesting, “It’s all good.”
But why are the words “I’m sorry” so powerful? It’s not as if the anger or pain of the experience leaves. It’s just that the anger toward the offender fades, allowing us to forgive.
From a young age, we’re taught to say “sorry” when we take a child’s toy, hit another, or say something mean. We observe those two magic words nurture and comfort the suffering in a way that allows them to condone our infraction.
On the other hand, we’ve learned in the same sense that to forgive another, they must do something first.
Unconsciously, we’ve adopted the notion that to truly forgive someone, they must first acknowledge their wrongdoing, take responsibility for our pain, and never do it again. This is typically summed up as “I’m sorry.”
We’ve made a silent pact with society and ourselves that forgiveness must come through another and cannot be freely given through ourselves alone.
But what happens when a person chooses not to apologize or cannot (either through death or other circumstances)?
The inability or unwillingness to forgive without an apology causes one to hold on to pain, perceived suffering, and grief for as long as a lifetime, sometimes.
However, let’s consider what really happens after the magic words are spoken. Somewhere inside ourselves, we choose to forgive.
We don’t often recognize that this choice to forgive is ours alone and can be made with or without the offending party’s acknowledgment or request. We can choose to forgive without an apology, just as we can with one.
Many feel that forgiveness without an apology is letting the offender off the hook for the perceived hurt they’ve caused. But this is different.
In truth, offering forgiveness has no value for the forgiven. Its value comes from what it offers us as the forgiver.
Consider how forgiveness can enhance or improve your life and mental health. Consider how relationships can be improved when forgiveness is extended. And consider the long-term effects of letting go of ideas suggesting that forgiveness must be offered only to those seeking it through an apology.
Forgiveness opens up the pathway to love, peace, and understanding. Without forgiveness, these avenues are blocked to us. When these avenues are blocked, we feel the blockage in our lives as stress, anxiety, depression, and the sentiment that “nothing goes right for me.”
If you feel ready to heal past hurt caused by another, open up to a TOC in your next session. And remember: Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.
